Intimacy with a covert narcissist often begins with an intensity that feels unparalleled.
This stage of intimacy, often referred to as the “idealization phase,” is characterized by extreme emotional, physical, and even spiritual connection. For those who identify as empaths—individuals highly attuned to others’ emotions and energy—this connection can feel transformative, almost addictive.
The covert narcissist’s ability to reflect back the desires, vulnerabilities, and emotional needs of their partner creates a relationship dynamic that feels profoundly fulfilling at first but later devolves into something damaging.
Initial Phases of Intimacy: The Idealization Stage
During the early stages of a relationship with a covert narcissist, the intimacy often feels heightened and euphoric. This phase is marked by:
• Emotional Mirroring: Covert narcissists excel at mirroring the emotional and psychological state of their partner, creating a sense of deep connection and understanding.
• Validation and Admiration: They shower their partner with attention, validation, and affection, fueling the belief that the relationship is unique and irreplaceable.
• Exaggerated Intimacy: The sexual and emotional bond feels astral or transcendent, engaging the partner on physical, emotional, and even spiritual levels. “During one of our many sexual escapades, I assisted her in having 28 orgasms!! How did I know, I had her count each and every orgasmic occurrence!!”
For me, this connection was nothing short of addictive. Intimacy with her was incredible—explosive and almost astral in nature. I felt deeply connected on every level: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. It felt as though she saw and mirrored every part of me, creating a bond so intense I turned down every other opportunity for companionship. I was engulfed in this relationship, believing it was a once-in-a-lifetime connection.
Transition to the Devaluation Stage
Once the covert narcissist feels secure in the partner’s attachment, the dynamic often shifts. The previously explosive intimacy gives way to detachment and manipulation.
Key markers of this transition include:
• Emotional Withholding: Intimacy becomes transactional or withheld entirely, leading the partner to question their desirability or worth.
• Devaluation: The covert narcissist begins to view the partner not as an asset but as a liability, dismissing their needs or contributions.
• Manipulative Behaviors: Sexual encounters may become calculated and cold, with the covert narcissist using intimacy as a tool for control rather than connection.
Over time, what started as desire and ecstasy became mundane, mechanical, and task-like. She began to withhold affection and intimacy, leaving me to feel like I was no longer desirable.
It became clear she had gotten what she needed from me—validation, attention, admiration—and now saw me as a liability rather than a valuable partner.
What was once exhilarating became cold and calculated, with the intimacy reduced to a “here-you-go” transaction.
The Psychological Impact on the Partner
For empaths or individuals deeply invested in emotional connection, this dynamic can have significant psychological consequences:
• Addiction to the Idealization Phase: The partner may attempt to recapture the initial euphoria, often sacrificing their own needs or boundaries in the process.
• Emotional Burnout: The constant cycle of idealization and devaluation leads to emotional exhaustion and self-doubt.
• Loss of Self-Identity: The partner may prioritize the narcissist’s needs to the detriment of their own, losing their sense of self in the process.
“Looked in the mirror one day and didn’t recognize myself and what I had become….who am I?
As I began to realize what was happening, coupled with self-imposed mistakes, due to the abuse, I made a decision: I would abstain from intimacy and focus on my own healing. Two days without her turned into months, and eventually, years.
The separation became inevitable, and this time, I walked away for good.
Recovery from a relationship with a covert narcissist involves reclaiming autonomy and addressing the psychological harm caused by the relationship. Key steps include:
1. Abstinence and Self-Focus: Removing oneself from the toxic dynamic and focusing on personal healing is essential.
For me, this meant abstaining from intimacy and giving myself the space to reflect and rebuild.
2. Therapeutic Intervention: Working with a therapist can help unpack the trauma and rebuild self-worth.
3. Rebuilding Connections: Reconnecting with supportive relationships and pursuing interests outside the context of the narcissistic relationship aids in recovery.
Relationships with covert narcissists often evolve from intoxicating highs to emotionally draining lows, particularly for empathic individuals.
My experience is a testimony, an account to the addictive nature of the idealization phase and the devastation of the devaluation that follows. Recognizing these patterns empowered me to prioritize my emotional health and walk away for good.
Healing from such relationships requires intentional effort, self-compassion, and often professional support to regain a sense of balance and well-being.
Ultimately, recovery is about reclaiming one’s identity and learning to thrive beyond the shadow of a covert narcissist.
Let’s talk, what was your experience?
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