Surviving Covert Narcissism: My 24-Year Journey

Healing from the Pain of Covert Narcissism

Empaths are magnets to narcissism! Empaths and narcissists are polar opposites in many ways.

Empaths, highly sensitive and attuned to the emotions and energy of others, naturally attract narcissists—individuals driven by lies, deceit, and a deep need to dominate and extract energy from those around them.

Behaviors as such creates a dynamic often referred to as “energy vampirism.” While empaths seek to heal and nurture, narcissists thrive on control, often using vulnerability and charm to manipulate.

My journey, these series of outlets in which I tell my story delves into my 24-year marriage to a female covert narcissist, exploring the red flags I missed, the lessons learned, and insights that might help others break free from similar cycles.

Understanding the Covert Narcissist

Covert narcissism, often termed “vulnerable narcissism,” contrasts with the stereotypical loud and overt narcissist. Female covert narcissists wield their vulnerability as a weapon, drawing people in with stories of hardship or victimization.

Their quiet, insidious manipulation can blind even the most perceptive individuals, particularly empaths.

Research highlights that covert narcissists tend to exhibit passive-aggressive behavior, hypersensitivity to criticism, and an overwhelming need for validation, all while maintaining an external facade of humility and selflessness (Miller et al., 2010).

The Empath’s Role: Why Narcissists Are Drawn to Them

Empaths are natural caregivers, often prioritizing the well-being of others above their own. They seek to heal, uplift, and nurture, which makes them prime targets for narcissists.

Studies show that empaths experience heightened emotional responses and are particularly susceptible to absorbing the emotional states of those around them (Neumann et al., 2016).

Unfortunately, this ability makes them vulnerable to narcissists who exploit their compassion to fulfill their own needs.

My Experience: Missing the Red Flags of Narcissism

The Initial Encounter

Our first meeting occurred during a university event hosted by my fraternity. I was introduced to her by chance, playing the role of a wingman for a friend.

From the beginning, her charm and vulnerability intrigued me. However, in hindsight, I realize her behavior reflected early signs of boundary-pushing. She began to show up unannounced during my work breaks and sought constant contact.

These behaviors, which initially seemed endearing, were early indicators of her need for control and lack of respect for personal boundaries.

The Vulnerability Trap

Within days of meeting, she shared detailed accounts of her previous abusive relationship, a common tactic used by covert narcissists to elicit sympathy and establish a bond.

Hearing her story triggered my protective instincts, leading me to impulsively confront her ex-boyfriend. I think that I ignored the red flags because I wanted to be the savior.

I wanted to be the one to help. I realize now that if I would have approached her ex about the violence that she endured, I could have gotten myself hurt, but she did nothing to stop that from happening.

An innate and impulsive need to “save” her blinded me to the possibility that these tales of victimization could have been exaggerated or fabricated to draw me in further.

Despite my empathetic nature and desire to help, to love, to share…I now recognize that her vulnerability was a façade designed to maintain control.

Mirroring Behavior

During our initial conversations, I shared my values and aspirations, such as my passion for helping the homeless. She responded by mirroring my words, claiming she too loved helping the homeless and I felt like WOW! I met “her” a woman after my own heart.

Mirroring tactics, often used by narcissists, is designed to create the illusion of a perfect match. Research indicates that narcissists use mirroring to gain their partner’s trust and establish emotional intimacy quickly (Simon, 2017).

I mistook this reflection of my ideals as genuine compatibility, not a trait of narcissism.

Accelerating Physical Intimacy

Another early red flag was her push for immediate physical intimacy. When I expressed my desire to wait and take things slow, she became upset and aggressive. She would say things like

WHAT? You don’t want me? I don’t turn you on?

LOOK AT ME!

Her reaction revealed her need for validation and control, as well as her inability to respect boundaries—a hallmark of narcissistic behavior.

Trust me, the man in me wanted to rip off her clothes and do my thing, any man in that situation of a woman “wanting it” would, but my ability to show self-control was met with demeaning words, almost emasculating.

According to Campbell and Foster (2007), narcissists often use seduction and sex as tools to manipulate and dominate their partners.

Almost like trapping them in with sex, hoping that it is good enough to “lock” a person in, totally forgetting that there is a heart, soul, and brain attached to that body as well.

Reflecting on 24 Years of Marriage

Throughout our 24-year marriage, her covert narcissism manifested in various ways: emotional manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, spousal abuse, financial abuse, to the point that I started to record it because I KNEW that no one would believe me.

It got to the point where my father advised that I give accounts of what was going on in the event that something happened to me; because of the damning and a consistent undermining of my sense of self.

When I look back at the amount of red flags that were collected and I ignored, it shudders me to think what would happen if I didn’t recognize her being a narcissist and continued with this 24-year situation.

What I also found—and you’ll notice with blogs that are coming up after this one—is that through it all, I still tried to help out as much as possible and was met with nothing but antagonizing, detrimental, and hurtful phrases and behaviors. oh because yeah, there is more…

Breaking the Silence: Men as Survivors of Abuse and Narcissism

Ultimately, the goal of sharing my story is not to harm anyone: but to help as many people as possible, especially men who are often ashamed to talk about their experiences.

The issue of men experiencing abuse in marriages is often overlooked, largely due to societal perceptions that discourage them from speaking out.

Research by Hines and Douglas (2010) highlights that men are much less likely to report abuse, [and narcissism] largely because of the stigma that surrounds male vulnerability.

The idea that men should always be strong and self-reliant prevents many from acknowledging or sharing their experiences.

Alarming Statistics on Male Victims

1. Prevalence: Around one-third of men will experience some form of abuse by an intimate partner during their lifetime, which can include physical, emotional, or psychological harm.
2. Underreporting: Men are significantly less likely than women to report abuse, with some studies suggesting they are 60% less likely to seek help or notify authorities.
3. Lack of Resources: Many men feel unsupported, as there are few resources—such as shelters, hotlines, or therapy programs—dedicated specifically to their needs as survivors.
4. Narcissism is usually rallied around women as victims as opposed to men: Empirical studies show that while narcissism is recognized in both genders, cultural narratives often portray women as victims of narcissistic abuse more frequently than men, potentially due to societal gender norms and expectations.

The Impact of Societal Expectations

Traditional gender roles heavily influence men’s reluctance to seek help. From a young age, many men are taught to hide emotions and avoid appearing weak, making it difficult to admit they are victims of abuse.

These expectations often lead to feelings of shame or embarrassment, further isolating male survivors.

Psychological Consequences

The inability to seek help can lead to long-term emotional damage. Many male survivors deal with depression, anxiety, and a sense of diminished self-worth.

That was me, I started noticing that I was swiftly fading away, and losing myself, I stopped doing the things that I loved, stopped going to the places I enjoyed, just like her, in the beginning, I found myself spending every waking moment with her, losing myself and shaping my life as hers.

Soon, it was like, whatever she liked, wanted, desired, ate, and visited…my part of my life started to disappear.

Covert narcissists often employ subtle tactics to isolate their partners from friends and family, thereby increasing their dependency.

They may manipulate situations to create conflicts between you and your loved ones, making you feel guilty for maintaining those relationships.

This strategy is designed to make you feel as though you have no one else to turn to, reinforcing the narcissist’s control over you.

Additionally, covert narcissists may insert themselves into your social circles, attempting to form bonds with your friends and family. By doing so, they aim to solidify their position in your life, making it more challenging for you to maintain separate, healthy relationships outside of their influence.

Recognizing these behaviors is crucial for protecting your emotional well-being and maintaining healthy, supportive relationships.

For a deeper understanding of how narcissists employ isolation tactics, you might find this video insightful: The lack of validation for their experiences only intensifies their internal struggles, leaving them feeling invisible and unsupported.

Steps Toward Change

Addressing this issue involves both societal and individual efforts:

• Raising Awareness: Sharing the stories of male survivors helps break the stigma and normalizes seeking help.
• Expanding Resources: Developing more services tailored specifically for male survivors can provide much-needed support.
• Challenging Stereotypes: Educating communities about the reality of abuse, regardless of gender, is crucial to fostering an environment where all victims feel safe coming forward.

By creating a culture of understanding and empathy, we can empower male survivors to speak out, seek help, and begin their healing journeys.

A New Chapter: From Survival to Growth

People ask me, did I waste 24 years? And I tell them, no, I learned from them. My life starts today. I’m not bitter—I’m better. I know what I’m looking for now, and it starts with me being whole, healed, and complete so I can be my best version for me.

Everything else will follow.

My journey, now that I understand the healing and grieving stages, is an exciting, yet scary, yet revolutionary part of my life. I welcome you in advance to my blog, my podcast, and my book that will be coming out within the next several months.

My name is Markus J.K. Johnson, and I survived a 24-year marriage with a covert narcissist… follow my story for more vignettes 

References

• Hines, D. A., & Douglas, E. M. (2010). Intimate partner violence among men: Prevalence, types, and consequences. American Journal of Men’s Health, 4(1), 52–61.
• Miller, J. D., Widiger, T. A., & Campbell, W. K. (2010). Vulnerable narcissism: The construct and its etiology. Personality and Mental Health, 4(2), 111–123.
• Neumann, D. L., Chan, R. C., Boyle, G. J., Wang, Y., & Westbury, H. R. (2016). Empathy towards individuals in pain: Behavioral and neurophysiological correlates. Frontiers in Human Neuroscience, 10, 507.
• Simon, G. (2017). In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Parkhurst Brothers Publishers.
• Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2007). Narcissism and commitment in romantic relationships: An investment model analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 33(9), 1151–1163.

Sources#

Medium:
#medium #narcissisticrelationships #narcissistfriendsandfamily

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab:
#narcissisticabuserehab #isolationstrategies #narcissisticmanipulation

YouTube:
#narcissistsisolation #narcissistmanipulation #toxicrelationships