Why Do We Stay? When Love Hurts More Than It Heals

Love Should Never Hurt

Why do people hold on to relationships that break them? It’s a question as old as time, and the answers are anything but simple. Love, fear, hope, and trauma all play a role in keeping people bound to situations they know are harmful.

Research tells us that attachment styles, low self-esteem, and emotional manipulation are major reasons people stay, even when the damage is clear (Pietromonaco et al., 2019).

But behind the studies are real people—women and men—living these stories. Below are six gripping accounts of compromise and heartbreak, followed by the triumph of finally letting go.

Why Is It So Hard to Walk Away?

Walking away from someone you love is one of the hardest decisions a person can make. It’s not just about leaving a relationship; it’s about abandoning the illusion of love—the belief that, with time, things will get better.

Research shows that people often cling to hope, even in toxic situations, because they’ve invested emotionally and psychologically in the relationship (Finkel et al., 2017).

It’s like trying to salvage a house after a fire has burned it to the ground—what’s left is ashes, but you hold on because you remember what it once was, all for love.

They may even believe their intentions are good, but their actions don’t align with the love you need. This isn’t love—it’s a toxic cycle fueled by unaddressed pain.

The illusion of love vs. the real thing: Real love is consistent. It doesn’t leave you questioning your worth or begging for scraps of affection. Illusionary love, on the other hand, is erratic, pulling you in with moments of hope before dropping you into despair. People stay because they confuse those fleeting good moments with true love.

According to Carnelley et al. (2021), this intermittent reinforcement strengthens emotional attachment, making it harder to leave—even when it’s clear that staying is causing harm.

Holding on to someone with deep pain or unaddressed trauma doesn’t just hurt them; it damages you. Over time, their inability to love you fully becomes a mirror reflecting your own wounds.

You start believing that you don’t deserve better, that leaving makes you selfish or unkind. But staying in a relationship that depletes your soul isn’t love—it’s self-destruction.

Therapeutic Ways to Walk Away

Leaving a toxic relationship is not a one-step process. It requires courage, preparation, and a deep commitment to yourself. Here are steps, rooted in therapy and empirical research, that can help:

1. Recognize the Pattern: Acknowledge that the relationship is toxic. Journaling can help you identify cycles of emotional highs and lows, giving you clarity about what’s happening.
2. Seek Professional Help: Therapy can help you understand why you stayed, process the pain, and rebuild your self-esteem. Studies show that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective in breaking attachment to unhealthy relationships (Hofmann et al., 2012).
3. Build a Support System: Surround yourself with people who uplift you. Friends, family, and support groups can provide strength and perspective when you feel weak.
4. Set Clear Boundaries: Decide what contact, if any, you’ll have after leaving. Cutting ties completely may be necessary to protect your emotional health.
5. Rip Off the Band-Aid: There comes a time when you have to stop debating, stop justifying, and just leave. Staying will only deepen your wounds. You owe it to yourself to walk away—even if it’s painful in the short term, it’s the only way to truly heal.

Why holding on hurts more than letting go: Staying in a toxic relationship increases stress, depression, and even physical health problems. Research from Pietromonaco et al. (2019) shows that long-term exposure to relational stress can weaken your immune system and increase the risk of chronic illnesses. Letting go, though painful at first, is the only way to reclaim your peace.

For Women: Stories of Heartbreak and Healing

1. The Woman Who Refused to Love Him

Who: Chris, a 36-year-old IT professional.
What: Chris spent eight years in a marriage with Danielle, who refused to meet him halfway. She withheld affection, criticized his career, and dismissed his needs.
When: Their marriage started falling apart in year three, but Chris held on, convinced that things would improve.
Why: Chris believed marriage was a lifelong commitment. He thought his love could heal Danielle’s indifference.
Where: Their Dallas home became a place of loneliness for Chris. He spent most of his time working late or hiding out in the garage.
How: A mentor’s advice changed his perspective: “You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.” Chris began therapy and realized that staying was destroying him.
Solution: He filed for divorce and joined a support group for men in similar situations. Today, Chris is thriving in a new relationship with someone who values him.

2. The Chronic Cheater

Who: Brianna, 34, a marketing executive.
What: Brianna spent 12 years with Andre, who cheated on her repeatedly—seven confirmed times. Each time, he came back with apologies and promises to change.
When: The betrayals began in year three of their relationship. Brianna forgave him for years, believing that love and patience would fix him.
Why: She rationalized staying because of their children and her fear of breaking up their family.
Where: Their home in Atlanta became a place of resentment and sadness for Brianna, who often cried herself to sleep.
How: Her oldest child’s question—“Mommy, why are you sad all the time?”—was the catalyst she needed. Therapy and a support group helped her rediscover her self-worth.
Solution: Brianna left Andre, and today, she leads workshops teaching women how to set healthy boundaries. “I stayed for my kids, but I left for them too.”

3. The Emotionally Unavailable Woman

Who: Jordan, 40, a restaurant manager.
What: Jordan spent five years in a relationship with Nicole, whose mood swings and emotional unavailability made their connection toxic. One day, she was affectionate and excited about their future; the next, she was distant and irritated.
When: The inconsistency began after their first year together, but Jordan held on, hoping things would stabilize.
Why: Jordan stayed because the highs were intoxicating, and he believed her excuses about being “too stressed” to fully commit.
Where: Their home became a battleground of confusion, where Jordan constantly questioned whether he was enough.
How: After catching her in a lie about a work trip, Jordan started therapy to process his emotions. Therapy helped him realize he couldn’t fix Nicole’s emotional instability.
Solution: Jordan ended the relationship and committed to healing himself. He now helps other men navigate emotional manipulation in relationships.

Sometimes, the person truly wants to love you but doesn’t know how. Their unresolved trauma, deep-seated insecurities, or emotional wounds from the past prevent them from giving you what you deserve.

Even the most nurtured, most loved people can slip into this trap.

All these stories seem painfully familiar to so many of us. If a million of us stood in one room, I’d bet 999,099 would identify with at least one or two of these situations.

And while they all feel common, the thread tying them together is this: they are stories of whole people being damaged by someone who was either still rebuilding themselves or swiftly falling apart.

Let’s be clear—your wholeness cannot fix someone else’s brokenness. You cannot loan out your peace, your stability, or your completeness in hopes that they’ll figure it out. It’s not your burden to carry.

The goal isn’t just to fall in love—it’s to fall in love with someone who is whole, healed, happy, and complete. Those are things you can’t give anyone, no matter how much you love them.

They have to come from within, from work they’ve done on themselves long before you entered the picture.

And sometimes, the person who is perfect for you comes in a package you didn’t expect. Maybe they’re taller or shorter, slimmer or heavier, lighter or darker, or working in a career you never thought would align with your “type.”

But ask yourself this—what even is your “type”? Because let’s be real: your so-called type doesn’t seem to fit what you actually need.

We’ve been conditioned by TV, movies, and social media to think our love lives should look a certain way, with a picture-perfect partner who checks all the superficial boxes.

But that’s not real life, and that’s not real love.

(But let’s save that for another blog.)

Right now, the focus should be on this: if the person you’re dating is keeping you from your spouse—the person who is out there, waiting to love you fully and wholly—then it’s time to take a hard look at where you are.

Sometimes, letting go of what’s breaking you is the only way to make room for the love you truly deserve. Embrace the moment, trust the process, and remember—love that’s meant for you won’t break you. It will build you. Be patient. It’s coming.

Final Thought

Walking away isn’t easy, but it’s the first step to reclaiming your life. Holding on to love that isn’t real, consistent, or healthy will hurt you far more than letting go.

The time will come when you have to rip off the band-aid and walk away—not for them, but for you. You deserve love that builds you, not breaks you.

References

• Pietromonaco, P. R., et al. (2019). “The Role of Self-Worth in Relationship Dynamics.” Psychological Science.
• Wilson, J. (2018). Trauma Bonding and Toxic Love.
• Carnelley, K. B., et al. (2021). “Attachment and Commitment in Relationships.” Journal of Social Psychology.
• Finkel, E. J., et al. (2017). “The Illusion of Commitment and the Reality of Sacrifice.” Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy.
• Hofmann, S. G., et al. (2012). “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Emotional Regulation.” Clinical Psychology Review.